8.16.2005

fuck her gently a.k.a. a banner entry

A thesis away from a masters degree at the University Of Maryland, David Banner is far more educated than myself, and most of my asshole buddies. He knows how to play the angles, spitting that contridictory diction, the perfect mix of ign'ant and ingenious--sneaking all kinds of deliciously militant rabble-rousing in between crowd-pleasin' crotch-tuggin'. I could yap all night about his morality plays, 40-oz-and-holy-water spirituality, political dogma, et al. But Simpsons Season 6 came out on DVD today, and I'm even more sick of hearing myself talk than you are.

Banner acts unruly sometimes, sure. But he makes sure to point out that all the reasons he makes mischief is because he has an abusive uncle sam. After hearing Mississippi: The Album, I was convinced that, if he didn't drown in corporate quicksand, the Magnolia-state mean-mugger could be our generation's Marvin Gaye. Though I'm quite content with dB being our generation's Chi-Lites ("Give More Power To The People" : "Bush" :: "Oh Girl" : "Like A Pimp" ).

J-Shep
offered these eloquent werrds about the Ying-Yang Twins' sexy and/or creepy and/or completely-fucked "Wait (The Whisper Song)"

I think everything but my ass is a feminist. To clarify: "Wait," "Get Low," and especially "Georgia Dome" are lyrically vile, violent, and inexcusable--but I still dance to them, and that's hard for me to reconcile, especially since I know the answer to the question "What Would Andrea Dworkin Do?"

Ying-Yang's pro-fem skits and stripper-sympathetic collabo with wet noodle John Mayer, tacked onto the U.S.E. post-shitstorm, are totally insincere (tho, I stand by my theory that "Wait" is just crass role-playing with a willing and patient lady--seriously, if you whispered in some stranger's ear "I'ma beat that pussy up," you ain't gonna get four more minutes worth of whispering, since both yer peepers will be marinating in a Super-Soaker-sized typhoon of hot mace).

If anyone can make rasper-rap appealing to nihilistic thugsters and liberal sympathizers, it's DB... David Banner's "Play" is the cum-soaked olive-branch. A white flag damp with tha fluid that wets ya when ya do it. If Banner can already sneak explicitly conscious messages into the implicit-at-best gangsta world, he can make a "beat the pussy up" song
that's ball-draining fun for men and the women who (for whatever reason) tolerate our insensitive asses.

Check the technique:

Cum, girl, I'm tryna get your pussy wet
Note the use of the word "trying." He has no unrealistic expectations. He doesn't consider himself some sexual marvel like some brash twurkaholic Ying-Yang riffraff. Those insensitive alliterative fucks! They think just the sight of their penises should send ladies into orgasmic rapture. Even a faint glimpse of their mythical meat should have you undulating and throbbing, desperately hungering and clawing the walls like some feral animal. Wait 'til you see it!... To paraphrase Larry David, the only reason women fall in love with us is to get past how ugly a penis is. The Ying-Yang Twins are fronting and wasting your time. They are straight phallobustering!

Work that clit. Cum, girl
David knows where the clitoris is! That already makes him better than 75% of all men. Note how Ying-Yang go right for the "pussy." If you showed them where the clit was, they'd probably give it a noogie or something stupid like that then high-five each other.

Finger-fuck your pussy like you want some, girl/Work it like a nigga straight licking on your pearl
And he gives head, too! OK, techinically the girl is doing all the work in this scenario, but, seriously, this is on some Chaucer shit.

I'ma beat that pussy up/You get it wet enough, I might lick it up/Lickey, lickey, lickey, like a peppermint swirl/Lick that clit/Cum, girl
Fine. Fine. He still uses violent, brutalizing language sometimes. That surely sucks and I bet he'd probably blame it on Rumsfeld or something. But YYT don't talk about cunnilingus once, and Banner's not even halfway through the first verse and he's already offered it twice. Who said chivalry is dead?

Damn, cause your ass so chunky/Bring it here sweaty, 'cause I love it when it's funky
He doesn't care if you're heavy. Or if you've showered.

So, yeah, David Banner cares about your needs. Especially if your needs involve getting fucked "'til your pussy aches." He doesn't say "bitch" once. And I'd even like to think Banner would even go with "lady" over the more condescending "girl," but one syllable sounds better.

Of course, any quasi-feminist musings on my part mean absolutely nothing since, hey, I'm not a woman. So, let's ask one! My rad girlfriend, Susie, hasn't heard "Wait" or "Play" because of where she lives (ie, under a rock). So, since she is incredibly patient and quite good at putting up with inordinate amounts of my bullshit, I'm going to use her as a guinea pig for a psycho-sexual experiment (read: a smarmy blog post). I'm going to whisper six song lyrics into her ear--either from "Wait" or "Play." This should conclusively prove if Banner is really the kindly Southern gentleman I imagine him.

Uh, I wanna see your legs shake/Take you to the crib, we can fuck til the bed break.(DB)
[snickering]. I don't know what to say. Will you? I kind of like that one.

We need to make our way to the bed/You can start usin' ya head/Ya like to fuck, have ya legs open all in the buck/Do it up, slappin' ass, gurl the sex get rough (YYT)
I think you can do better than that.

Lemme work ya slow, lemme see it going in/Then you pull it out, put your fingers in your mouth/You make a nigga wanna fuck your ass on the couch. (DB)
Like what kind of couch are we talking here? I'm really not turned on by this. Maybe it's the rhyming.

You might had some, but you never had none like this Just wait til' you see my dick (YYT)
[Pause] Penises are kind of ugly.

Cum girl, I'm tryna get your pussy wet/Work that, lemme see you drip sweat (DB)
I don't know.

Hey bitch, wait til' you see my dick I'm a beat that pussy up (YYT)
I have a pussy of steel. I'ma beat that dick up.

Conclusion: My girlfriend is awesome.

4 Comments:

Blogger Marie said...

you should try just whispering ice cream flavors. that always gets me hawt. also, it shows that you don't care about how much she eats, unless you throw in some subliminal healthy choice flavas.

and finger fucking is SO 4th grade.

oops.

10:25 PM  
Blogger bernardo50harris said...

damn good blog, check out mine http://juicyfruiter.blogspot.com, comments always welcome!

10:03 AM  
Blogger trmw said...

that's some next level reality blogging going on right there. nice.

ps: i'm going to cmj - we should kick it

3:01 PM  
Blogger Christopher R. Weingarten said...

Marie: "Watch these rap niggas get all up in your guts. French vanilla, butter pecan, chocolate deluxe. Even caramel sundaes is gettin' touched."

Bernardo: I have bookmarked. Will travel.

TRMW: No diggity. No doubt. Help make me an internet celeb already. I'm broke!

1:28 AM  

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