why my life sucks in '06

Money raised by poorly attended stoop sale: $66
Cost of thai food delivery since I couldn't leave the stoop: -$16
Cost of NY Dept. Of Sanitation fine for putting up flyer for poorly attended stoop sale: $-75
Total: -$25


the land of rape and honey-mustard

1. Some of my friends don't watch MTV anymore. I want to let them know what they're missing. Here's two actual slices of the demoralizing-for-all-involved dating show Next. They're like haikus... but ones that uplift the spirit into a frenzy of praying for the rapture!:

Carpe Equus
I don't like girls that are cocky... unless it means they can't get enough of my c[bleep].
I hope this feline gets to see my tiger-like sex-u-al skills!
I don't just ride horses, I'm hung like one

O RLY factor
"Whatever... I don't even know the f[bleep]ing difference."

2. Speaking of dudes in cowboy hats, I got to interview Al Jourgensen of Ministry! You can read it in Revolver (spoiler alert!: "He wasn’t even sure if he ass-fucked it or pussy-fucked it!"). Here's my fave exchange that didn't make it in:

What was the last day job you held?

The last job I worked was at a Kentucky Fried Chicken. And the motherfuckers, man. I’m 18 or 17. I got the job 'cause i thought the chick behind the counter was hot and i wanted to work the cashier with her. So I get the job and think, “Man, oh, man, I’m gonna get laid!” Instead, they give me this stupid suit to wear and this paper hat. And they send me back to this walk-in cooler that’s a bout 30 yards long where there’s, I swear to god, like 10 thousand dead chickens. They were up to my knees. I had to wade through dead chicken carcasses. And they told me my job was to pluck the feathers off of them. And I was like, “Fuck you!”

I turned around and before I could do anything about it, the door slammed and they locked me in the cooler! And I had nothing but this stupid-ass Kentucky Fried Chicken uniform on, freezing my ass off, knee deep in chicken carcasses and my job was to pluck feathers. I pounded on the door, screamed my fucking head off, freaked out. About six hours later someone hears me pounding on the door and I quit. I went vegetarian for 17 years after that.

A new Ministry album is a terrible thing to sleep on: Ministry - "Rio Grande Blood" MP3