toury spellings

Touring is awesome. The Replacements drunkenly disassembled a moving tour van piece-by-piece as it barreled down the road, gave it an impromptu paint job, then pissed on the ashes before returning it to the dealership. Reznor and Manson used some groupies for enema spelunking, then had a shit-stream derby, taking bets on whose liquid lady lunch would travel the speediest. Mudsharks get misplaced, ants get inhaled and everyone puts their junk in a plaster mold… I, however, am curled in a sleeping bag in Boise, Idaho, happy as a sperm in Rob The Bod’s tummy because the band that let us crash at their house has wireless internet connection... and clean towels!

If I have learned one thing on this tour, it is that I am a pathetic bitchmade prima donna. While the other guys are busy drinking and stinking, guzzling homemade strawberry moonshine in Raleigh and sleeping on beaches in Pensacola, I’m trying to find 175 words to write about the the new Fat Lip record (spoiler: it’s disappointing). I can’t be the only one, can I? Penn Jillette toured in a separate bus from his tourmates the Residents because they partied too hard. The Residents! DFA1979 and Sage Francis both admitted to me they spend an inordinate amount of time in front of laptops than in laps. So, in hopes some other limp road-weakling stumbles across this site, I selflessly present:

How To Survive On Tour When You Are A Sniveling Pussy

1. Use WUBBA: the Weingarten Beneficial Baggie Approach™
In a gallon Ziploc bag, stuff a clean T-shirt, a pair of underpants and two clean socks (and a handkerchief if you have crippling allergies like me) for every day you’re going to be on the road. Do this up to 14 times. Then when you land at someone’s house, you can just grab a bag and—voila—fresh clothes every day! Plus you can stuff the dirty clothes back in the bag when you change!

2. Shower every day
Shower right after every show so you get the show stink off you right away. For me, it’s usually the stink of cigarettes, but for many it’s the stink of failure and dashed dreams. Whatever your stink is, wash it away immediately. Even if the party is still going on, hop in the shower. If you’re the drummer, like me, trust me no one is going to miss you. Also, people never notice if a little bit of shampoo is gone, so feel free to sneak a little glob. Just because you have a hipster beard doesn’t mean it can’t be a luxuriously conditioned soft-as-velvet hipster beard.

3. Know what foods you can eat
If you’re lactose intolerant like me, eating hastily prepared diner chow and nasty fucking gas station food all day might give you a case of something neither you nor your vanmates want to deal with. Know the best snackies that are moo-free!
Candy bars = Fuck no!
Junior Mints Real chocolate? = Hell yes!
Scrambled eggs = Better ask for “unfluffed”
Orignal Pringles = Yum!
Salt & Vinegar Pringles = For some reason, no
General Mills Bugles = No!
Tom’s Bugles = Why, yes!
Oreos = Yes, yes, yes!
Mini Oreos = No, no, a thousand times no!
Sugar Wafers = Mmm. More!
Funyuns = God is testing my faith

Bring an air mattress
It fits in a little suitcase and it’s like sleeping on a cloud. Even though it’s a cloud that gets a little more cat hair on it every night.


Blogger Makkada B. said...

At this point I'd be shocked if someone told me the new Fatlip disc was actually good. So you really didn't spoil anything for me, Christopher.

I'll hand it to him--he's keeping his name out there, but everything I've heard him do (live or recorded) post-Pharcyde has been wack.

Have fun on tour!

1:36 AM  
Blogger Marie said...

you should write a book about touring do's and don'ts. little, brown won't pub it, but i'll bet warner will.

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